I am Afraid of Death

When I was young, I liked to play jokes and make rather cynical remarks. Sometimes, I make a rather uncomfortable statement about mortality and death to my parents and I often find them extremely disturbed. I never understood why they felt that way. Until recently.

My grandfather is suffering from a condition called Progressive supranuclear palsy (PSP). I have no idea what it does but all I know is that it is akin to Parkinsons. He caught an infection all of the sudden and now hospitalised, clinging on for his life.

My grandfather was not the first grandparents who passed. I was not new to this sensation to lost. Yet, it was the fact that my family knew he does not have much time left which made it quite disturbing.

We made preparations by taking his picture, prescheduling the funeral service and getting the house ready for hospice care. All when he is alive.

This sensation is incredibly difficult for me to wrap around. It felt that life is so fragile and fleeting. Something that I can never have control on.

I know deep down that why I fear this death is because I am not satisfied with what I have done in life so far. So many dreams and aspirations I have burned down in pursuit of "success".

Perhaps this is fear. Fear of a wasted life that manifested early. I hope I shall never forget this feeling.